WARNING: Indignant Pregnant Woman Rant Ahead!

Being pregnant is a wonderful thing. It makes you glow and there is nothing quite like feeling that little grain of rice morph into a little human who is kicking your insides. You get to pick out names and buy cute clothes (for you and the baby). And best of all, you know at the end there will be a little human being that is half of you and half of the one you love.

Unfortunately there are some downsides to being pregnant. Aside from some of the unfortunate physical symptoms (easily passed over with the knowledge that many of them mean your baby is healthy) and the general uncomfortableness of having to pee every 2 seconds while being hungry and not being able to breathe (also easy to get over as you are aware this is not a permanent condition) there is, in my humble opinion, the biggest pitfall--other people's opinions.

Nothing like having a baby will elicit opinions from friends, family or complete strangers. And they range from what colors to paint your nursery to cloth or disposable diapers. There is your choice of practioner to deciding whether to return to work.

The one that has me going lately is the type of birth you had. With Shelby, I had a c-section with no regrets. Shelby was a breech baby who, due to surgery I had to my uterus in order to preserve my pregnancy, could not be turned. She was a very dangerous frank breech baby which basically means her butt was coming down first. Her head was too large to pass through my cervix from the neck down meaning she would have gotten stuck. We both would have most-likely died had I been so stubborn and selfish as to demand that I have a "natural" vaginal childbirth in the breech position. I was presented with all options and scientific evidence and concluded the health of my child was much more important and I would do my child no favors by dying in child birth even if she made it. I was always confident in my decision that carrying my child and loving her made me a mother and woman, not delivering her a certain way.


If I had any doubts about what I was doing, a friend shut those down by telling me of the traumatic birth of her first son. A large baby and her failure to progress after over 48 hours of labor past six cm forced her to give up her dream of "natural" childbirth and into a c-section. As she ws prepped and waiting for the procedure to begin, her tears began to flow for what she perceived to be a loss. A kind nurse anesthestist took her hand and asked her if she knew what they called women who had c-sections. My friend, threw her tears, asked what. "We call them moms," the NA replied. I knew then I had made the right decision for me.

Regardless, many people still questioned me. Did I see a midwife to confirm what my OB said? (No need. No midwives will see me as I am a high-risk pregnancy.) But my water had broken, why didn't they just let me deliver? (Again, the issue for the c-section was a frank breech baby that could not safely be delivered vaginally.) Did I factor in my husband's feelings in this? (It's none of anyone's business how Jeff and I dealt with these issues, but we agreed together that we were blessed to live in a time when we had so many options and one that was medically safe and would be the greatest assurance that both Shelby and I would live through the birth.) But you haven't given birth. (Excuse me? An eight pound five ounce baby girl who grew in my womb for 38 weeks and 6 days exited my body, if you don't define that as giving birth, check your definitions and your swollen head.)

Now, because of the mere existence of VBAC in our times, almost everyone I have spoken to is miffed that I am not taking this option. Well, here's a reality check. Because I have a blood clotting disorder, my declotting agent has to be stopped 24 hours prior to giving birth, with a vbac or traditional vaginal delivery, this is impossible to predict. Since the onset of labor can start at any time, there is no way to guarantee this happening even with a scheduled c-section. However, the better controlled the birth process is, the best chance is that you will get to be awake and see the birth of your child if you are in this situation. I have also had previous surgery to my uterus (even before my c-section) that puts it at significant risk of rupture. Uterus rupture, hysterectomy follows. And in my family there is a history of vbacs resulting in emergency hysterectomies which in turn meant mothers couldn't see babies as soon as they would like and delays with things like bonding and breastfeeding. Not a road I would like to travel down.

Sure, there are lots of risks associated with c-sections, but for me there are a lot more risks with a vaginal delivery and I have more risks than the average woman on the street. I need to minimize what I can, there are no guarantees in life, but I am confident in my decision to deliver my son by c-section just as his sister was born.

I have heard any number of horror stories from women who were told, by others (some of whom were men, who I think have no place judging) that their decision to be induced, have an epidural, have a drug like staidol administered to take the edge of the pain, gave birth with an ob in a hospital instead of at home or in a birthing center with a mid-wife, chose the mid-wife home birth over the hospital, opted for hypno-birthing or even completely drug free births with long labors made their birthing experience inferior to another experience. Not to mention those of us who have had c-sections.

Here is a piece of advice from a pregnant woman who did experience her water breaking and real contractions and labor prior to her c-section to all those out there currently not pregnant or feeling like they need to promote their way of giving birth: if someone you know has decided to give birth in a way you don't agree with, either support her or back off. Sure, maybe you didn't feel any pain when did your Bradley method breathing or you were on top of the world because you got an epidural. That's you, this is her. She has many pressures associated with becoming a mother for the first or tenth time, and she is making decisions based on her feelings and her heart. You are entitled to your opinion, but you are not entitled to make her feel as if she is inferior because she has a difference in opinion. And remember, labor and birth are different for each woman and each infant. I will never forget my friend Ashley at work who was dreaming of an intervention free, drug-free delivery of her daughter only for the baby's heartrate to drop dangerously (try 67 beats) low and an emergency c-section performed. While Ashley and her husband were nervous about this change of events, it was her mother's reaction that sent her over the edge causing her to be put under. Her mother actually told her in the delivery room that she was disappointed in Ashley for failing to deliver this child naturally. Ashley became so upset physically that she had a panic attack and woke up a few hours later to be told her baby had made it and was healthy. She was still in tears from her mother's words and to this day feels as though she let her mother down. Extreme reaction from grandma? I've heard other stories like this one of husbands, boyfriends, grandparents, siblings, and an overzealous doula (doulas do great things for many women, but this one was not among them) saying similar things to a woman already crushed by not being able to fulfill her dream birth.

Before you offer your story as the supreme way of giving birth, remember the nurse anesthestist mentioned earlier and let this new mom know that hey, this worked for me, but the end goal is still the same and you know she is going to make the best decision for her and her baby.

And remember my mother's advice: When you can't say something nice, better to say nothing at all.

Boy, what a gift!

Image Courtesy of Tribune Media.

Yes, we are having a baby boy in September. I was surprised. But I would have been just as surprised if they had told me it was a girl. Jeff couldn't come with me to the ultrasound. I wasn't sure how to tell him at first. I should disclose here that we both thought we were having another girl (I guess when that's all you know...) and Jeff was looking forward to being out-numbered by "his girls." I know we both also had grandiose images in our minds of Shelby and her sister being best friends and doing everything together. As I was talking to the girl checking me out though, it hit me. Jeff has always said that if he had a boy, he would have to buy a boat. When I called him out in the parking lot, I told him I had good news: he could really start seriously shopping for a boat.

He was happy and that made me happy. I didn't realize I was tense until I I relaxed. Now, don't get me wrong, we were both happy to be having another child regardless, I just couldn't believe we actually knew something about this little person so definitive.

And...there was also the incident in the waiting area. While I was awaiting my ultrasound, another young woman was awaiting one as well. She was only about 19 or 20, unmarried, and probably just a little bit further along than I was. She brought with her her mother and two sisters in hopes they would be able to find out the sex of the baby. The four women were chatting loudly in the small area, so I inadvertantly found out that the baby's father was generally uninvolved and that he and this young woman wanted a girl (despite his lack of involvement, he still had preferences). They went back for their ultrasound and were back a short time later. The pregnant woman was crying. They didn't seem to be tears of joy. I worried for her baby. Then her mother came holding the pictures and showed them to a concerned nurse, saying , "it's a boy." The young woman was silently blowing her nose and cleaning her face. One of her sisters thanked her for allowing them to be a part of the ultrasound. Then her mother piped up again and said, "I don't care what he thinks, he is this little boy's father and he has a right to know. Maybe he'll leave for good, but who knows, I'm calling him." This grandmother made a difficult but correct decision to call the baby boy's father. I overheard her in her conversation say, "Anna (name changed to protect identity) is taking it pretty hard."

That floored me. She was so wrapped up in having a little girl and so sure that her baby's father would leave her if she didn't have one that she could not enjoy and was even upset by learning the news she was having a son. My son (although I wouldn't know that for a few more minutes) was in the middle of some kind of workout and I instinctively, protectively put my hand over him.

We were unsure if we would find out the sex of this baby for a few months before deciding that we would like to this time around. After seeing this exchange in the waiting room, I knew that for some women, it might really be necessary to know. The thought of this woman finding out the sex of her child in the delivery room made me shudder. Would she have rejected him outright? Would she not have been able to bond with him? Or would she have been so overwhelmed she would have forgotton all about wanting a baby girl this go round? And what about his father's reaction? At least now, she would be able to readjust her view of the future and chances of a positive delivery room outcome were possibly more.

A few weeks ago I saw this "Love is" comic and was immediately defensive because I have a daughter. But now I look at it and know that God's plan was for us to have Shelby first and this little guy now. Our son is further proof that "love is" in our lives forever.

In Reference to an Earlier Post

A few weeks ago I posted this.

This past week someone told me how courageous they thought I was to have a child with Down's Syndrome. My daughter doesn't have Down's Syndrome. She has a small nose, which is the only thing I and the cashier checking us out at the grocery store could figure would make this other shopper possibly think she might have the disorder. I was going to say thank you and leave it alone and let her believe Shelby had Down's but then I stopped to think, "that's not fair to all the mother's and father's out there caring for children with DS." I replied, "Thank you, my daughter doesn't have Down's Syndrome, but it wouldn't matter if she did, I wouldn't consider myself courageous, just her mother who loves her." I offered a smile and left it alone. The woman was obviously embarrassed, had no idea what to say and when another cashier opened another check-out line, she quickly joined it. The cashier waiting on me has known me quite some time as did the man bagging my groceries.

"Some people," the cashier said, shaking her head sadly.

"As if it matters if your baby has a disorder?" the bagger added, "I guess we just have to pray for people like that," he said.

I nodded, "She is probably just scared or uncertain of what to say when she meets people with disabilities and her insecurity causes her to see things sometimes that don't exist."

We all shared a smile and wished each other blessings on our days before Shelby and I left.

Two days later, Danielle posted this link of so many beautiful children and families affected by DS. I cried while watching it and thought of what a gift these children were to their families and so many others.

I said before that any child in our family would be a gift and blessing. But I see now that part of that gift and blessing are being able to accept that child freely into our lives.

On this Day After Divine Mercy Sunday

Lift all those affected by this tragedy up in prayer.

P: For the sake of His sorrowful passion
R: Have Mercy on Us and on the WHOLE WORLD

Room Sharing

Today Danielle is having a forum on room sharing among children at her site.

This topic is of some interest to me as when our second child will be born this September, after the first few months, he or she will need to share a room with our daughter who is only nine-months-old now. We live in an 1100 square foot home with three bedrooms. We have no idea how we are going to manage negotiating two cribs in any of our bedrooms, even our master. The small size of our bedrooms may necessitate us losing our "guest bedroom" which has only been in existence since our daughter's birth and we were able, with gifts from friends and family, to purchase a full size bed. We have no problem with allowing the kids to share but are open to the idea that they may require their own living space as they grow and if that is the best option and we can make it happen, we will. There are other ways, after all, to teach our children to share, get along, learn to live with difficult people, and be close without sharing a bedroom.

As to the issue of sharing, let it be known that children having their own rooms IS NOT a recent phenomenon. My mother-in-law, who is seventy-one years-old, has had her own bedroom all her life except for the years she was married to my father-in-law (less than 20). She was not an only child but a later in life baby in a family with only one other child (when I say later in life, her brother was fifteen years older than she was). In her case, sharing would have been a great benefit. When I was six months pregnant with my daughter, she visited us for what my husband had thought was going to be a day trip. She then decided to let us know after she had arrived that she had intended to stay the entire night and would appreciate it if we could give up our bed so she could sleep there (instead of the couch where our other guests slept at the time because we couldn't afford a guest bed). Not so bad you say, well, I could not fit on the couch and would have had to sleep at six months pregnant on our floor which is over a concrete slab. Now, before everyone starts with, but she's 71, my great grandmother who was in her late 80s and had had both hips replaced ALWAYS slept on the couch because it was comfortable and also because she refused to put someone else out of his or her bed. My mother-in-law also expects her guests to sleep on her floor, never offering her bed and has no guest room, using what would be her other bedroom as an extra television room. The point of this diatribe is that we shouldn't all jump to the conclusion that "kids today are so spoiled" because they have their own rooms, it's been happening for a while and is not necessarily as symptom of wealth either--my mother-in-law was born during the GREAT DEPRESSION and her family was as bad off as any and her father built her a room onto the house.

We all need to remember that living with other people and sharing are things that also should be being taught in many avenues not just because we are sharing a room. I had my own room growing up (I had three brothers who shared a room, my parents refused to mix sexes when it came to bedrooms) but still shared a bathroom with my brothers who destroyed many of my toiletries that I paid for myself when I was a teenager to "make potions" and just have fun (and I'm not just talking the little bit of make-up I was allowed but also feminine hygiene products and shampoo and face wash).

Just because a child has his or her own bedroom does not guarantee that he or she will not be close to his or siblings or will not learn to share or get along with people of other temperments or personalities. As parents, it is part of our vocation to know each of our children well enough (even in a large family) to understand how to best meet that child's needs, maybe it's not a bedroom but a more private area to hang out with friends as the original writer said, regardless we have to try our best to treat that child as the individual, wonderful, unique part of God's creation he or she is and not just a piece a of the larger whole that is the family. A healthy balance is what needs to be struck.

I'm all for siblings sharing bedrooms, if it is in the best interest of the family or in the case that allowing a child to have his or her own room is in no way feasible despite it being the best option for your family. The reason I am not posting a response of Danielle's site and putting it here is because of some of the other responses I have read there seem to reek of "this is the only way to raise your children and if your kids aren't sharing rooms YOU, reader are a bad parent, YOUR children are entitled brats, and YOU are not teaching them sharing or compromise." Even Danielle's originating post carries some of this sentiment. Many of the posters are like us and don't have another option, fine. A few express a balance approach. Those comments that are judgmental do get under my skin, though, if for no other reason than God did not intend us to judge one another, but to help one another. Share your ideas fine, but don't say that others are wrong, especially if you have never walked in their shoes.

Traditional Latin Catholic Mass

The quality of the film is grainy but sound is good and this is really beautiful. Takes about an hour, but is narrated by Fulton Sheen and well worth it!

Kind of Figuring Things Out

Well either Shelby or the new baby has a new/old dresser. Since we painted it purple, if the baby is a boy, the dresser will be Shelby's. Not that I have a problem putting a baby boy's clothes in a purple dresser, but I guess he might not like it when he is older possibly. But that might all be moot if the baby is a girl. In three more weeks we may know if we are having a boy or girl. Which will simplify a few things greatly. Jeff is not sure if he can come to the ultrasound but if he can't he wants me to find out the sex and not tell him. I was like, sha-as if! We have a lot left to figure out as you can see.