Being pregnant is a wonderful thing. It makes you glow and there is nothing quite like feeling that little grain of rice morph into a little human who is kicking your insides. You get to pick out names and buy cute clothes (for you and the baby). And best of all, you know at the end there will be a little human being that is half of you and half of the one you love.
Unfortunately there are some downsides to being pregnant. Aside from some of the unfortunate physical symptoms (easily passed over with the knowledge that many of them mean your baby is healthy) and the general uncomfortableness of having to pee every 2 seconds while being hungry and not being able to breathe (also easy to get over as you are aware this is not a permanent condition) there is, in my humble opinion, the biggest pitfall--other people's opinions.
Nothing like having a baby will elicit opinions from friends, family or complete strangers. And they range from what colors to paint your nursery to cloth or disposable diapers. There is your choice of practioner to deciding whether to return to work.
The one that has me going lately is the type of birth you had. With Shelby, I had a c-section with no regrets. Shelby was a breech baby who, due to surgery I had to my uterus in order to preserve my pregnancy, could not be turned. She was a very dangerous frank breech baby which basically means her butt was coming down first. Her head was too large to pass through my cervix from the neck down meaning she would have gotten stuck. We both would have most-likely died had I been so stubborn and selfish as to demand that I have a "natural" vaginal childbirth in the breech position. I was presented with all options and scientific evidence and concluded the health of my child was much more important and I would do my child no favors by dying in child birth even if she made it. I was always confident in my decision that carrying my child and loving her made me a mother and woman, not delivering her a certain way.
If I had any doubts about what I was doing, a friend shut those down by telling me of the traumatic birth of her first son. A large baby and her failure to progress after over 48 hours of labor past six cm forced her to give up her dream of "natural" childbirth and into a c-section. As she ws prepped and waiting for the procedure to begin, her tears began to flow for what she perceived to be a loss. A kind nurse anesthestist took her hand and asked her if she knew what they called women who had c-sections. My friend, threw her tears, asked what. "We call them moms," the NA replied. I knew then I had made the right decision for me.
Regardless, many people still questioned me. Did I see a midwife to confirm what my OB said? (No need. No midwives will see me as I am a high-risk pregnancy.) But my water had broken, why didn't they just let me deliver? (Again, the issue for the c-section was a frank breech baby that could not safely be delivered vaginally.) Did I factor in my husband's feelings in this? (It's none of anyone's business how Jeff and I dealt with these issues, but we agreed together that we were blessed to live in a time when we had so many options and one that was medically safe and would be the greatest assurance that both Shelby and I would live through the birth.) But you haven't given birth. (Excuse me? An eight pound five ounce baby girl who grew in my womb for 38 weeks and 6 days exited my body, if you don't define that as giving birth, check your definitions and your swollen head.)
Now, because of the mere existence of VBAC in our times, almost everyone I have spoken to is miffed that I am not taking this option. Well, here's a reality check. Because I have a blood clotting disorder, my declotting agent has to be stopped 24 hours prior to giving birth, with a vbac or traditional vaginal delivery, this is impossible to predict. Since the onset of labor can start at any time, there is no way to guarantee this happening even with a scheduled c-section. However, the better controlled the birth process is, the best chance is that you will get to be awake and see the birth of your child if you are in this situation. I have also had previous surgery to my uterus (even before my c-section) that puts it at significant risk of rupture. Uterus rupture, hysterectomy follows. And in my family there is a history of vbacs resulting in emergency hysterectomies which in turn meant mothers couldn't see babies as soon as they would like and delays with things like bonding and breastfeeding. Not a road I would like to travel down.
Sure, there are lots of risks associated with c-sections, but for me there are a lot more risks with a vaginal delivery and I have more risks than the average woman on the street. I need to minimize what I can, there are no guarantees in life, but I am confident in my decision to deliver my son by c-section just as his sister was born.
I have heard any number of horror stories from women who were told, by others (some of whom were men, who I think have no place judging) that their decision to be induced, have an epidural, have a drug like staidol administered to take the edge of the pain, gave birth with an ob in a hospital instead of at home or in a birthing center with a mid-wife, chose the mid-wife home birth over the hospital, opted for hypno-birthing or even completely drug free births with long labors made their birthing experience inferior to another experience. Not to mention those of us who have had c-sections.
Here is a piece of advice from a pregnant woman who did experience her water breaking and real contractions and labor prior to her c-section to all those out there currently not pregnant or feeling like they need to promote their way of giving birth: if someone you know has decided to give birth in a way you don't agree with, either support her or back off. Sure, maybe you didn't feel any pain when did your Bradley method breathing or you were on top of the world because you got an epidural. That's you, this is her. She has many pressures associated with becoming a mother for the first or tenth time, and she is making decisions based on her feelings and her heart. You are entitled to your opinion, but you are not entitled to make her feel as if she is inferior because she has a difference in opinion. And remember, labor and birth are different for each woman and each infant. I will never forget my friend Ashley at work who was dreaming of an intervention free, drug-free delivery of her daughter only for the baby's heartrate to drop dangerously (try 67 beats) low and an emergency c-section performed. While Ashley and her husband were nervous about this change of events, it was her mother's reaction that sent her over the edge causing her to be put under. Her mother actually told her in the delivery room that she was disappointed in Ashley for failing to deliver this child naturally. Ashley became so upset physically that she had a panic attack and woke up a few hours later to be told her baby had made it and was healthy. She was still in tears from her mother's words and to this day feels as though she let her mother down. Extreme reaction from grandma? I've heard other stories like this one of husbands, boyfriends, grandparents, siblings, and an overzealous doula (doulas do great things for many women, but this one was not among them) saying similar things to a woman already crushed by not being able to fulfill her dream birth.
Before you offer your story as the supreme way of giving birth, remember the nurse anesthestist mentioned earlier and let this new mom know that hey, this worked for me, but the end goal is still the same and you know she is going to make the best decision for her and her baby.
And remember my mother's advice: When you can't say something nice, better to say nothing at all.
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