Working out the Kinks

Life is full of small bumps and large diversions. And today I hope to smooth out a few more...I can hope at least!

Pigs, schmigs...lipstick, schmipstick

So, my enthusiasm for Sarah Palin's entrance to the presidential race has left me with some sour grapes of late. This whole stupidity of pit bulls, pigs and lipstick? Both sides need to let it go and tell me what they are gonna do.

Which brings me to my real post: I am voting for John McCain as president over Barack Obama. I am not voting for Sarah Palin as president over Barack Obama. I am voting for her as John McCain's running mate.

Here is what I believe and know:

1) Sarah Palin is inexperienced. So is Barack Obama. Sarah Palin has served as a mayor of a small town and less than two years as Alaska's governor. She has no foreign policy experience. Living in a state that borders Canada and a "water border" with Russia doesn't make her an expert on either. And she while she has an idea of what Americans at large want, she cannot make the rookie mistake of seeing us as being all the same. That being said...

2) Vice President is a damn good way for her to get this experience she lacks. With John McCain's guidance, she will be able to weather those first few forays and she will, in time, be able to take over the reigns if something happens to McCain as president.

3) As Bill O'Reilly said, McCain needs to make people like Rudy Giuliani, Mitt Rommney, Mike Huckabee and others cabinet members or at the very least, important advisors. This will give Sarah Palin a wide range of sounding board to make sure she is taking all necessary precautions in uncharted waters for her.

4) Having a child with downs syndrome does not disqualify her for the job. As she herself has said, sometimes she has to put down the BlackBerry and pick up the breast pump, that is true of any mother anywhere. And let's be honest, that adorable little Trig will be hard to resist sometimes! I think that he will be a wonderful soft spot she can land when life becomes cut throat and harder than she could ever imagine in Washington.

5) I don't just want hope, I want action. I want someone like Senator McCain who has proven he will fight for what is right. I think that Governor Palin is also that type of person. I hope that she will learn from him over the next eight years and become our first female president (after she's had the training!).

But I guess the real point is I am voting in the next man that I want for president, the fact that a woman is his running mate, purely coincidence.

Long Weekend

So, we start a long weekend. As if 3 days were long.

Let Me Let Go, Please!

As I mentioned in another post, I had a friend whose ex-husband re-appeared after an extended absence and wanted her to move back to her homestate with her son. I don't know the exact resolution of that yet, except that she and her son are still here. But there was a larger question in that piece of how to separate yourself from someone who keeps coming back for more.

Another co-worker of mine is now struggling with that dilemma. Her best childhood friend deeply hurt her and betrayed her five years ago. They haven't spoken or seen one another since. She has forgiven this friend but forgetting is far from another matter. Suddenly this friend is moving to town and called and left a voice mail asking if she could move in temporarily with my co-worker, her husband and child. My co-worker wants to show there is no ill will, but doesn't want to allow her former friend into her home. And, I agree with her on that. So, now, the decision is how to best let this person know, they need to move on. We've discussed a phone call, a letter, a message through a mutual friend. Nothing seems to be seeming particularly attractive. We know Jesus would be honest, but how would he communicate. Is it not strange to anyone else that in this world of mass communication we live in we cannot find effective ways to communicate with many?

Anyhow, it can still linger in my thoughts, why can't people take the hint sometimes? And worse, why, if they were the ones who perpetrated the fallout do they think that saying something like, "your still mad about that?" will help?

Civil War

This July 4th, our nation is at war. At home.

The battle that is waging is between those that believe and those that do not. Secularism and morality. We live in a country in which women are told they are allowed to kill their unborn children but if they choose not to, those children can be put to death by a jury of their peers. We live in a country in which people view money as a god than their true creator as God. We do not live in a godless nation, for everyone who believes knows that God is always present even amongst those who do not believe.

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Happy Summer

Summer is happy around here. We have our best girl's birthday and her Daddy's too. We also have July 4th, an awesome holiday. We have trips to the beach, walks around the block, and when it's not too hot, a picnic in the park!

But, like the rest of the year, the best part of summer is we have each other.

Don't Give Up

Joey is crawling. And boy is he fast. He has to be. He has a big sister who can walk to keep up with.

Often times I let Joey crawl behind us without picking him up. Sometimes, this frustrates him. So we encourage him. We tell him not to give up. He smiles his two-toothed grin and pushes forward. Harder, faster and with more determination than ever to catch us.

It is so easy for him not to give up because he knows he will acheive his goals. If only the rest of life were like this. Often at work, I am tempted to sack it all. I might never get to the next level. I could possibly not get a raise despite my best work and gritty determination to get people to pay their bills. And then there are the days I feel like I should just stop cleaning my floors because in five minutes a dog covered in dirt will walk across them. I can't ever enjoy them clean. There are a thousand little examples every day that each of us face when we feel like giving up might be preferable because we can't see the tangible results. The tunnel is long and dark. There is a light at the end, but we're too far back to see it.

I remember as a youth leader in my church's youth group confronting this wall of defeatism from another youth leader. We were on our beginning year's retreat for adult and student leaders and he was obstinate that our work was not as impactful as we thought. He could not see how his testament to God and his faith could ever inspire another teenager and possibly a teenage questioning his or her faith. I remember saying to him all we could do was pray and remember that nothing was ever impossible with God. I never considered giving up just because I might never know if my testimony would inspire someone else to believe. Oddly enough, this young man was one who many felt had the type of faith that would move mountains, and now he wanted to throw it all away. Because he felt he should experience a payoff. I realized then that he was facing Satan down and losing. And my only weapon was to pray.

When I look at little Joey and I tell him not to give up, I say a little prayer that his and Shelby's hearts will always tell them never to give up what is good and right when I am not there to tell them. Because when it comes right down to it, when we give up and begin living a life of compliance to what the world teaches, we are giving in to those forces that work against God. God will never give up on us. We should be so blessed as to never give up on Him.

Kvetching

So, last night, Jeff wanted to go get doughnuts. Really wanted some doughnuts. Britt's Doughnuts. They are only at Carolina Beach, they only come in glazed and they have been voted the second best doughnuts in the whole US. Problem is they are closed at night.

This morning, Jeff was sick. Really sick. Stomach problems both ends sick. He thinks it is rotavirus. Our kids have been immunized and he's not around any other kids. Could be food poisoining, but it doesn't seem that bad. I think it's just a nasty virus. He got up and went to work. Two hours later, he was back home. No one wants a sick chef!

And he's still kvetching for doughnuts. Kvetching and vomiting. Now there's a pleasant thought for me....

To a Daddy

To Jeff (Shelby and Joey's Daddy):
Today we celebrate that you chose one of life's noblest occupations: to raise two wonderful children. You took on the gift of God to nurture these two little souls, to teach them right from wrong, to raise them to be compassionate human beings, and show them that where there is love there is God. Thanks to you, Shelby is a curious little girl and Joey's blue eyes are always smiling. Today we thank God you are our Daddy!
Love,
Kristen, Shelby and Joey

Amazing

Baby Jayla, it hardly seems like 2 whole years since your mama send me this picture. What a beautiful girl you were and are. I was so jealous, I knew I had a whole month to wait, but I was so happy too to know my baby (later we would know she was Shelby) already had a best friend! Love you baby Jay!

Letting Go

Have you ever ended a relationship of any kind, thought you were done with the emotional baggage, only to have a person turn back up in your life saying they were wrong and want to start over? Only problem is you have already started over?

A co-worker of mine came to me with this dilemma last week. Her husband left and filed for divorce when her son was only six-months-old. So, she moved on, moved to NC and now her son is five. She hasn't been in a romantic relationship since (too busy being a single mom) but has made a good new life for herself. She has a good job, no car payment, and lots of new friends. Last week, the ex-husband called. She hadn't heard from him in over 2 years and stopped receiving her child support before that (she didn't feel it was worth the time to fight). And now he wants back in. He wants to be a dad to his son,which I commend, and wants to give their relationship another chance (after five years) but wants them to pick up and move back home. And my friend, doesn't want to do that. Her son has lots of friends and is well adjusted. She made her move to NC when he was close to two and it was traumatic for him. She made it clear she wants no further romantic relationship between the two of them, but she feels like her son would benefit from having a dad.

I had no advice for her. I've never been in her situation. The closest would be friends I had whose lives suddenly took a turn onto a road I didn't care to venture on, so I quietly ended the friendship. The few who decided that road wasn't for them, I cautiously welcomed back into my life, but our friendship would never be as strong as it once was. I believe in forgiveness, but forgetting is not always an option.

When you've come to the foregone conclusion that letting go is the best thing to do, it rattles your world when the other party wants a fresh start. And how do you make a fresh start because the history cannot be erased, it has always been there. And to be honest, there were a few friends, I didn't welcome back. I explained that our lives had changed in the time apart and that was for the best and now it was time we enjoyed our new lives, separately. But to have the emotional attachment of a child and have that child's feelings involved is something else altogether.

So, S, I'm sorry, as a good friend, I will have to say, I can't help you on this one with advice, but I will pray for your heart to be guided. And hopefully there will be a meeting of the minds that will be best for everyone.

RIP Andrew James Kosmala

Andrew James Kosmala

February 10, 1995-May 10, 2007

Grandpa Jim and Andy Thanksgiving 2007

Andy,

We know you are safe in God's loving hands now. You fought so valiantly til the end. Sometimes, we can't understand why God does things. That's because God is perfect and we are not. We will miss your smile, your humor and your indominable spirit. Thank you God for giving us thirteen precious years with Andy. We were truly blessed you gave this boy to us!

Love,

Jeff, Kristen, Shelby and Joey

Andy and Cousin Ben at a Wrestling Match 2008

Impossible

Sometimes we feel as if life itself is impossible. But there it is.

Over the past month, I have watched as my cousin Andy has battled brain cancer. This obnoxious tumor decided to grow half-way through chemo. Andy is a child. He is only 13. He is a fighter though, armed with his faith in God and will to as Dory says in Finding Nemo, "just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."

Andy was diagnosed just before Thanksgiving last year and completed a very successful run of radiation before starting chemo a couple months back. Andy was greeted with this disease at what is normally an already difficult time in a young person's life. Andy was a good kid. He made good grades, played soccer, loved posing as the subject for his sister Emily's artwork, and wasn't at all the difficult kid many expect a twelve year old boy to be when he got his diagnosis. His humility overwhelmed him, when in the hospital, he began throwing up and my brother Ben was comforting him. As Ben held the trash can for Andy, Andy told him, "I'm sorry Ben, you don't have to watch." To this Ben, a college student replied, "It's okay Andy, trust me, I've seen worse."

I've heard a lot of friends and family say this diagnosis was impossible. Andy is a good kid from a good family. His mother helps lead the choir. His dad works in robotics. The way I hear this question most often asked is , "why us?"

To that question I pose, "why not us?" Both of Andy's parents have five brothers and sisters on Earth and his mother has a brother in heaven. Andy still has 3 out of 4 grandparents on Earth and one grandma in heaven. He has countless cousins and two brothers and a sister himself. He has numerous friends and is a member of a large competitive ski team and very active church group. He has support like no one can imagine. He has received "praying hands" from all over the world, hands people traced or photocopied and left notes of prayers and encouragement on.

So my question "why not us?" doesn't seem so unreasonable. God believes we are capable of carrying this cross. As heavy and as difficult as it has been, over the last six months, I have had to learn to kiss that cross. I have had to put Andy in God's hands and trust that God knows what He is doing much better than anything we could possibly understand. It is hard. I struggle with it every day, but I force myself to do it. And I inevitably feel at peace.

Nothing is impossible, even a cure. I look at my own children, the ones I was told I had a less than 10% of having at one point, as proof of that.

John Paul II we humbly ask for your intercession for Andy. Please pray he is held in the palm of God's hand and that he receive the grace and peace of our Lord Jesus Christ and His sacrifice for us on Earth. We ask this in the name of our merciful God and saviour, Amen.

It's Not Easy Being Green

We've been trying very hard to appreciate nature this year and take care of it. Call it an unofficial resolution. Since the grocery stores we shop at have been selling canvas grocery bags for a ridculously low price, we picked a few up. We also began using the Green Works products:which we love. But there are a few things we have to be ambivalent about.

For one is disposable diapers. Before Shelby was born, I looked into cost and environmental impact of disposables vs cloth. The deal was in our case, price was less for disposables and the water usage factor for laundering cloth diapers equaled out with the landfill factor of disposables. I also found out that there are some (although not by any means all) unscroupulous cloth diaper services that use environmentally damaging chemicals in the laundering of those diapers.

I also know that it is better to eat pastured beef and chicken. And they do taste better. However, they are very hard to find in our area being that I live in the center of hog country. I would have to order online and pay a whole lot to get this kind of meat. Unfortunately, it's not in our budget right now. If we lived in an area where there was a local farmer offering these things, I would love to get them and take the shipping factor and thus some of the price off, but for now, I'm stuck.

One of my favorite television shows is King of the Hill. In one episode, Bobby has a teacher (voiced by Paul Giamotti) who has the kids on a conservation/environmental kick. They even have an environmental court where offenders have to appear. When Hank extols clean burning propane, the teacher points out that propane grilling perpetuates the outdoor barbecue which in turns perpetuates the usage of disposable paper plates, cups and plastic utensils. Which brings me to my most troubling catch-22. With a drought in my area and water conservation front and center, washing dishes and running my dishwasher uses a lot of water. But the paper/plastic utensils we use to avoid this excess water usage fills up landfills. What's a green girl to do?

The argument of going green is very complicated. While I fully believe that God wants us to be a part of nature, not apart from it, I struggle with how is the best way to do it.

My Little German Baby

Shelby doesn't say the word "No!" yet. Now, for those of you insanely jealous out there, she does have her ways of letting us know she means business. And lately, when she is mad, or doesn't want to do something, she shakes her head furiously and yells, "Nein! Nein! Nein!" So, she may not be saying no yet, but she can say it in another language.

My Hero

This, for those who are not cultured in the way of excellent Disney Pixar films, is Elastigirl. aka Helen Parr. She is the mother of an incredible family of super heros. When Brad Bird created her as part of the movie, he wanted a female superhero that embodied the superhero qualities of all moms. Elastigirl can twist and stretch into any shape. Most moms I know can do the same. We manuver and change and stretch our personalities, interests and time to be the best moms we can be. So here is my hero, a mom no different than any other mom. Thanks Brad Bird.

Is It Spring? Or is Nature toying with my emotions?

The last few days it has been 60+ degrees outside. The calendar says spring starts around the 20th-21st of March. This year, I hope it is right. Don't get me wrong, I'm a winter girl through and through. It's just that having a one-year-old gives you a whole new appreciation for the outdoors and how if a stick gets broken, it's not the end of the world. Not like an appliance or a plate or something else.

Hey Jealousy!

My post yesterday made me start thinking about jealousy. It's a pretty wicked thing. Envy, after all, is one of the seven deadly sins.

It is also against the ten commandments. "Thou shalt not covet,"...

But how often are we happy with what we have. We are living in a society where we are always told we should reach beyond to the next level before we even have the time to appreciate what we have now. We have somehow lost the ability to see what is good in our everyday lives as they are not as they could be.

Now, I am not saying that we should teach our children not to achieve and work to the best of their abilities. But I do think we have lost the connection with what it means to be content in what we have. In what God has given us. How do we reclaim that? I plan on spending a lot of time figuring that out.

Born or Made?

I don't always feel like I was born to be a mother. I always wanted to be one. I feel as though I was molded into the job though. I feel like I very rarely know the right answer or what to do in situation x, but I make it up as I go with mostly good, sometimes not so good, results.

Other women I know, well it seems as if they were born ready with all the answers and actions. There is no second guessing their decisions. Of course they were right to work or stay at home. Of course they know how to cook and are very good at it. Of couse they put their faith in the midwife and homebirth, complications and high risk are not in their vocabularies. Yes it is right to shop at Big Box. Yes only the food can come from Whole Foods.

Then I stop. I don't see them in their human moments. Their moments when the baby has thrown up in their unwashed hair while their dog is tearing apart toilet paper in the bathroom. Their moments when, even though they only shop at the Farmer's Market, they are at Big Box at 2 am in their pajamas and glasses with no make-up buying up Sugary Flakes on sale in plastic bags.

I don't harbor under the delusion that anyone is perfect. And I certainly don't think those that know or don't know me think I am one of these women, born to mother. So I was made into a mother, a good mother. So what? Does it make me less of a mother? No. The love is the same, no matter what.

A Break, what's a Break

...it's what you take for, oh, say four months while chasing after various jobs and raising your family.

That's all I have to say for the last four months.

Shocking as it may be, I don't feel a commentary on how my family spent Christmas or how I changed over the last four months is necessary.

Today, my husband and I celebrate our fifth anniversary. Five years. Years filled with happiness and sadness, better and worse, sickness and health, babies and death. Years that moved us into our first home and new jobs and made us parents. I could say something trite like it doesn't seem possible, the fact is not only is it possible, it is reality.