Remembering Again

Today I was thinking of my late friend MaryEllen. I had very much wanted to bring Shelby to Raleigh to meet her, but as her cancer was advancing last fall, it could not be set up. And so now, I know MaryEllen is looking down on us. I can hear her saying, "Stop worrying about me, I'm home! What are you feeding the baby? What are you feeding yourself for the the new baby? What exercises are you doing? Are you enjoying your pregnancy this time?"

While I was miserably ill during my pregnancy with Shelby, I have been relatively illness free with this baby. Shelby's Godfather, a priest, told me while I was pregnant that I could specifically offer up my morning sickness for those suffering from cancer and the side-effects of chemotherapy and radiation. I look back on that now and hope that my suffering might have eased MaryEllen's and so many men, women and children who had no relief from their illness. How strange it is now that I have no illness but no MaryEllen. I would sacrifice feeling well to have my friend back.

I know that it is not an accident that I am thinking of MaryEllen now. Last week, Elizabeth Edwards announced that her cancer had returned and is not curable but is "manageable." My heart aches as I think of her daughter Kate who lost her older brother in an accident and now could lose her mother before she gets married or has children of her own. And for her little ones Emma Claire and Jack who are watching their mother so bravely fight to see each of their milestones. I think of her husband John whom I know she urged to continue on his quest toward the presidency. Regardless of politics, my heart goes out to him. No matter what people say, I know it could not have been an easy decision. I have seen many interviews with John and Elizabeth Edwards and know they are a woman couple took the same vows that I and so many of us did, "for better or for worse; in sickness and in health." How we all hope and expect we will only have to live through better and health. And some of us will be challenged through for worse and in sickness. When I hear people like my own husband say how selfish he is and how selfish she is, I feel almost a rage thinking, "you have no idea what it is like to lose a child or face this illness. How dare you judge them for the choices they made together." John and Elizabeth Edwards launched his campaign for the US Senate in just the couple of years after losing their son Wade. And they are continuing John's campaign for president after learning of the return of Elizabeth's cancer.

I'll be honest, I won't be voting for John Edwards, at least, not at this point. But I am a compassionate human being. And it is now that I am experiencing exhaustion from being pregnant and having a child under one year that I am offering up that relative pain for all those suffering from cancer, both curable, treatable and not so. Elizabeth Edwards' announcement reminded me of the friend I lost so recently and how bravely she fought. It reminds me of how MaryEllen's fight was occasionally bookmarked by trips to Disney and the beach with her daughter Kayli. How adventures to the playground were wonderful removals from the daily regimen of pills and doctor visits. We all experience pain and suffering differently, MaryEllen wanted all her friends and family to largely continue living their lives. While we all prayed and worried and many of us visited, MaryEllen loved hearing of the mundane facts of our lives. Elizabeth Edwards standing by her husband as the announcement of her cancer was made and his continuing goal of the White House was pursued, urging her husband to continue reminded me of MaryEllen. The woman who stood beside you regardless of what she was suffering.